“I am a big f*cking feminist.” This wasn’t really necessary to say; the use of the P-bomb “Patriarchy” word to describe the whole Male gender pretty much gave that away. This is the evil Patriarchy who yell offensive things such as “Man the Lifeboats: Women and Children first!” Who put themselves in harm’s way to protect women?
“I believe people, regardless of sex, gender, race, or sexual orientation, should be treated equally.” Nothing to disagree with there: if that were the definition of feminism, then I’m a feminist too! I should also divulge that I’m heterosexual and heteroamorous (I learned a new word!).
I agree with the whole consent thing too, but men don’t ask for consent, because they know from experience that that is a turn-off for women. You don’t say “Can I kiss you?” because the girl will then give you a look of disdain and say no. You lean in when she looks like she wants you to kiss her, and kiss her. If you get an enthusiastic response, that is consent and encouragement to start thinking about second base. So there is a cascade of consents given as the foreplay begins, but these are not necessarily verbal, and the guy most likely won’t ask “can I touch your breasts now?”
This is because women (or at least most women) are attracted to confident, assertive men. Don’t blame us for that: You have made it clear to us generations ago that acting the part of a meek, shy wimp is not a winning strategy.
I don’t think this is because “the patriarchy put us in this hole,” I think it is basic biology: women have all the power in the relationship, because they decide who will father their children in the normal course of events. Rapists are losers who take by force what they can’t get by seduction: Rape is not OK, sexual harassment is not OK, Sexual Assault is not OK. Men don’t like rapists either, they are stealing what we have to work quite hard for, and when they hurt innocent women, they make our whole gender look bad. Plus we like women, and a woman being raped makes our Protector persona come to the front: we hate these guys.
So I agree with most of your advice to other women, about giving consent, but even more important is the declaration that you don’t consent.
No means no, and in my experience most women have no difficulty pronouncing the word either. If you don’t say no and agree to go home with a man, he will interpret that as consent to move on to first base. If that is not the message you wanted to send don’t go home with him. Simple.
If it was, but you change your mind once you get there, say No and leave immediately. Once you have given the first consent, silence implies consent from there on. We are not mind-readers.
If you have consensual sex, but the guy was no good at it, so you regret it the next day, that is unfortunate, but it isn’t rape.